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Trust on Purpose
Are you intentional about building, maintaining or repairing trust with the people in your life? Most of us aren’t, and sometimes important relationships suffer as a result. So much of what is right or amiss in those relationships ties back to trust, whether we realize it or not. We are dedicated to helping you become intentional about cultivating strong trust with everyone important in your life: the people and teams you lead and work with, and your family, friends and community, as well. In the Trust on Purpose podcast, we dive into everything that makes up trust, what supports and damages it. We unpack situations we commonly see with leaders, teams, organizations, and others we work with to show how trust can be strengthened, sustained, and repaired when broken. Listen in for conversations between two pros who care deeply about you being an intentional and masterful trust-builder in your life so you and your relationships flourish. We share pragmatic and actionable takeaways you can use immediately and deepen with practice. If you have questions or situations related to trust that you’d like us to talk about in a future episode, please email charles@insightcoaching.com or ila@bigchangeinc.com.
We'd like to thank the team that continues to support us in producing, editing and sharing our work. Jonah Smith for the heartfelt intro music that you hear at the beginning of each podcast. We LOVE it. Hillary Rideout for writing descriptions, designing covers and helping us share our work on social media. Chad Penner for the superpower editing work that he does to take our recordings from bumpy and glitchy to the smooth and easy to listen to episodes you are all enjoying. From our hearts, we are so thankful for this team and the support they provide us.
Trust on Purpose
How broken resolutions reshape our inner truth
Send us a message - we'd love to hear from you
Every broken New Year's resolution leaves a crack in something far more precious than our goals - it fractures the trust we hold with ourselves. In this episode, we confront the damage of making promises we never truly intended to keep, and how these seemingly small betrayals ripple through our lives, relationships, and leadership.
Our own personal stories illuminate why simply understanding our failures isn't enough - we must dive beneath the surface to examine the deeper impact of our choices. This isn't just another conversation about goal-setting; it's about rebuilding the bridge of self-trust, one mindful commitment at a time.
We also venture into the challenging terrain of modern leadership, where the pressure to have all the answers can suffocate authentic growth. Discover why the most powerful words a leader can speak might be "I don't know," and how this vulnerability creates a foundation for genuine trust and innovation. Join us as we explore how embracing uncertainty - rather than fighting it - becomes the catalyst for transformative change, both personally and professionally.
This episode isn't about perfect resolutions; it's about perfect honesty with ourselves and others, and how that honesty becomes the foundation of meaningful growth and lasting change.
This episode isn't about perfect resolutions; it's about perfect honesty with ourselves and others, and how that honesty becomes the foundation of meaningful growth and lasting change.
We want to thank the team that continues to support us in producing, editing and sharing our work. Jonah Smith for the heartfelt intro music you hear at the beginning of each podcast. We LOVE it. Hillary Rideout for writing descriptions, designing covers and helping us share our work on social media. Chad Penner for his superpower editing work to take our recordings from bumpy and glitchy to smooth and easy to listen to episodes for you to enjoy. From our hearts, we are so thankful for this team and the support they provide us.
Hi, I'm Charles Feltman.
Speaker 2:And my name is Ila Edgar, and we're here for a new edition, the 2025 edition of Trust on Purpose. Can I just pause there for a second? Do you realize? This is our fourth. We're going into our fourth year of podcasting together. Wow, I think it just takes a moment of like I was going to say silence, but exuberation. Yeah, a moment of silence. This isn't demorose, this isn't a terrible thing. This is like, oh my gosh, we're going into year four.
Speaker 1:Yeah. That's so cool, it is. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much. This has been one of the highlights of the last four years has been one of the highlights of the last four years is doing this with you.
Speaker 2:So I love it. Me too, me too, me too. So, as can often happen, I hop on a call with Charles and we have the conversation. Before the conversation We've talked about some juicy nuggets, so just planting a seed that we have some interesting topics coming ahead. But today I'm really spicy about a very particular topic and sometimes behavior that especially happens this time of year. And it's so fascinating.
Speaker 2:We're supposed to and I'm using air quotes here, right, we're. It's January. We should make some new year's resolutions. So what are we going to be do, say differently in this coming year? And it's so fascinating because I had mentioned to my lovely 19-year-old Rowan that I wanted to start taking some classes and he's like mom, don't do it in January. He says all of the new resolution. People come in January and then they die down, right, their commitment falters. And he says by the end of January, early February. He says by the end of January, early February, you'll be good. So it's so fascinating that a 19-year-old knows this is something that we do. We make these declarations and commitments to do something differently. And then it would be fascinating to look at the research. How many people actually follow through and we know anecdotally and even with our own lived experience.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I stopped making declaration or New Year's resolutions, probably around you know, 22, 23. So there was a short span, my late teens to early, early 20s and then I just realized that I wasn't following through on these declarations that I was making and that wasn't worth. Yeah, it wasn't really worth the energy.
Speaker 2:No, no. And it feels terrible because you've made these declarations and then you know, February, March, comes around. You're like, I don't even remember what I declared.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or I remember what I declared and there's some shame in that because an embarrassment, because I haven't done a damn thing to move towards it.
Speaker 2:Right, right. And so where I wanted to dive in today is well, from one perspective, what happens when we make declarations and then don't follow through, but also what could we do differently? How can we actually create intentional I don't even want to use the word goals, but behavior shifts that actually result in our own growth, in our own learning, and that growth and learning impacts?
Speaker 1:the people that we lead and love and live with yes.
Speaker 2:So where do you wanna? What's your entry point? What are you thinking?
Speaker 1:Well, first of all, I think that we've gotta acknowledge that quote unquote New Year I'm doing your quotes. Now, of course, you can't see either one of us do our air quotes but doing a New Year's resolution when you know you open a newspaper or whatever grocery store, newsstand, magazine, you know they talk about making New Year's resolutions and it's a thing Avoid that time of year, avoid doing it at that time of year, avoid doing it at that time of year. You could do it at any time of year, but that time of year probably the worst time, because there's this kind of story around it about resolutions and we have to do it and then people don't follow through and all that kind of good stuff. But I think one of the things that you just mentioned and I think is really key here is that anytime we declare a new future, we make a resolution. Essentially we're saying I resolve to do X or to stop doing X or whatever it is. It's a declaration. So we're declaring a new future for ourselves or for our team or for our family or for whatever it is, whoever is involved in this, and if we fail to actually follow through and do anything that supports our resolution and do anything that supports our resolution, we're going to lose trust in ourselves and other people who might be involved in our declaration are going to lose trust in us to some degree, and specifically in the domain of sincerity.
Speaker 1:That we're not really sincere we weren't really sincere in the first place probably is the assumption or the assessment that people would make. I know it's the assessment I make for myself. I'm not. Oh, I guess I wasn't really sincere. Great, actually. A great place to look right, great place to do some introspection and really inquire what's going on. Why is it that I'm and what brought me to make this declaration and why is it that I didn't follow up on it? What is it that fell to the wayside or wasn't even there in the first place that got in the way of following through and taking action? So what comes up for you as I say that, hila?
Speaker 2:Okay, okay. So I love when you say things that make me self-reflect for me, and I hope that sharing personal examples with our listeners, our lovely listeners, is helpful listeners, our lovely listeners, is helpful. I remember making a pretty large declaration a couple of years ago. I had a big vision for what would happen with big change. So I had this grand vision and I made this big declaration that all of these things were going to happen. And about halfway through the year I did exactly what you just said. I reflected on and realized I had literally done jack, shit Zero towards those big declarations.
Speaker 2:And so I went through a self-reflection exercise and did I have the competency? Yes, and what I didn't have, I was prepared to hire out. Was I sincere? Well, I was sincere when I made it, but I certainly wasn't sincere now. Was I reliable? Absolutely not, because I hadn't done anything. And did I care? Yes, yes, when I made the declaration, but what I realized was that I didn't. I no longer cared in the same way.
Speaker 2:And so the hype of the new year, you know, excited about planning what might be possible, got me caught up in something that wasn't. It didn't really line up with what I really wanted, what was really important to me it was a bit of shoulding and again getting caught up in. You got to plan your year. You're an entrepreneur. You should know better if you don't have a plan. So this. It was fascinating to go through that self-reflection and realize I'm actually not sincere about that. That no longer matters to me. I have a different care and something that I would like to commit to, and it's not really that. So it was a valuable reflection.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it sounds like the whole experience was a valuable journey for you and a valuable learning, even though there might have been times when you're going oh, what's the matter with me? Right, had the opportunity to recognize that you weren't actually doing jack shit towards this vision and then taking the time to reflect, to self-reflect rather than just run away from it or keep pretending that you could do it next week or next month.
Speaker 1:You actually took the time to self-reflect. You actually took the time to self-reflect and realize, recognize that that wasn't something that you had energy for that your care was elsewhere not there and I've been in the same boat.
Speaker 1:I've done exactly the same thing multiple times perhaps in my life. Sometimes I didn't reflect, I didn't do the reflection, I just tried to, you know, finesse my way past it. I didn't reflect, I didn't do the reflection, I just try to, you know, finesse my way past it, which doesn't work. The same problems show up. I lose trust in myself and my own care for myself and my own sincerity towards myself and other people whom I'm talking to. And so I think one of the things that came up as I was listening to you and thinking about my own experiences like that is is it possible to do some degree of that kind of self-reflection before making a big declaration and also holding it that, okay, I'm declaring this, but all of life is an experiment? And if I declare it and it turns out that it's, I don't have whatever it takes to get there, I don't have the care, I don't have the competence, I don't have the whatever it is to recognize it's okay to change direction, built into the Declaration itself?
Speaker 1:So I'm thinking of some years ago now. I've wanted for years to be able to play an instrument. Well, I've dabbled at the piano. I can strum the guitar. I wanted to play my favorite instrument, which is the cello, and so I leased a cello and I found a teacher and I started working at it. It was damn hard.
Speaker 1:You know you got all this stuff here. First of all, I didn't know how to read music, so that was a challenge. Right there I was learning this new written language, these dots on a page that translated to places. I put my finger on the neck of the cello and then there was the bow going back and forth and when to do what with that. But I was making some progress, but it was so hard, so difficult and it was taking up.
Speaker 1:In order to really do it right, I needed to spend a lot more time with it and I just wasn't in a place where I felt like I wanted. There were other things that I wanted to do with that time and I eventually had to have that same kind of come to Jesus with myself. Am I really going to continue to pretend that I'm going to be able to spend that much time at it when I just don't have that time? I have other things that I care about. So I think there's that okay, giving myself some grace to go. You know what. I'm not going to go forward with this. And what would it be like? What would it have been like for me or you to have to really dive in deep?
Speaker 1:ahead of time, you know.
Speaker 2:So valuable, so valuable, so valuable, so valuable. And I think again, it's so easy, whether in our own businesses, in our own lives or as leaders in organizations, the overwhelm of all of the stuff that needs to be done there's just so much. And the value in the conversation about really getting clear about what we are committing to and why are we committing to this, and then the how are we going to commit to this, and then the how are we going to take care of this when we fall off our commitments conversation there's a whole. I think there's so much value in that pre-conversation before there's actually the declaration of that. This is what we are committing to and it go ahead, yeah, go ahead.
Speaker 1:I was just going to say well, just, I'm listening to you and I'm saying yes, when we're working with other people, particularly when it's a team effort or a group effort to do something, it would be so valuable to do that, to take that time, to really do some thinking through ahead of time and answering those questions that you just asked. And even when it's an individual effort, when it's an individual thing it's easier when it's an individual thing because it's just us or just me you know, I'm the one who comes up with the answers it's a little more challenging to lead a team through that and it's so valuable to do that. I think the teams that do take the time and make the effort to do that come out of the other end of that with a much more powerful declaration that they're much more likely to follow through on.
Speaker 2:We were talking a little bit in the conversation before the conversation about Jim Dethmer Conscious Leadership Group and one of his statements is you can tell what you're committed to by the results you're getting. And so when I made that declaration and had a few months of time go by and I reflected on so what have I been committed to? And I've been I had been committed to overwhelm. Yeah, and so my day-to-day choices and behaviors were saying yes, overscheduling myself, not giving myself enough time and space to actually do work within reasonable hours. Right, I was working early mornings, late nights, weekends, because I had been committed to overwhelm and to overcapacity and saying yes, and so right, I think it's so interesting as a reflection. So what are we committed to right now? And often there's a disconnect between what we think we're committed to, what we want to be committed to, and the actual results that we're getting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I was talking a little bit about Robert Keegan and Lisa Leahy's book how the Way we Talk Can Change the Way we Work, and their whole process of looking at the commitment that we make externally, or at least the commitment that we speak, and then looking at what are we doing or not doing. That prevents actually realizing that commitment. And so what are we possibly committed to? That might be competing, but that we're not aware of unconscious commitment to something else. In your case, it was commitment to overwhelm. That was your unconscious commitment to overwhelm. So what really going through, and the whole process which I've run through with a number of clients now, which have been very valuable for them what are you actually committed to that you're not consciously aware of? That is competing with your explicit conscious commitment. Now, that's a really powerful process, not something you can easily do ahead of time, although I suppose it would be possible to really think it through to that level.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, If you ask the question, ask yourself the question, or as a coach, like we are, if we ask our clients the question what could with in December, and I'll be working with them again, with their second line leaders in a couple of weeks we did talk about the concept of overwhelm and overcommitting and capacity, how capacity will bite us in the ass. We may be very competent, we might normally be sincere, normally be quite reliable, normally really care, and so I can already hear the narrative that will come well, but we don't have any choice. This is the directive to us. This work has to get done, and so, in that particular situation, I'm curious to hear your thoughts in this moment. What is that team unconsciously committed to?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's a good question, Right, right, and I don't know if this actually applies, but something came up for me as I was listening to you that I've, you know, I've lots and lots of my clients have been on this journey where they move up a level. They move up into a level of influence and responsibility in their organization that really calls on them to be more strategic, to not be down in the weeds doing the work, the stuff, but that's what they know how to do and that's what they've always been rewarded for. That's the key, right, so that's what they feel comfortable with, they feel safe there, that's their go-to place and they don't really know whatever this other thing is. They don't know much about it, they don't know how to do it yet, and so they go there because that's what feels like the place they can really shy.
Speaker 1:They always have the new vice president, who has come up from, you know, being in a, has hired in from a place where it was a small organization and even as a vice president, they had to do all this work, you know, to keep things going, and they were the hero, you know, yeah, yeah, I could do this, I could do this, I could do this, and then they get into this new organization where they can't do that anymore. It doesn't scale. It doesn't scale to the complexity and size of the new organization. They need to step back and let other people do that. You know, delegate and all those kinds of things. The same thing with a team. I wonder, though, is the team that is in that place also unconsciously committed to doing what they know how to do and feel most comfortable doing and, at the same time, a little bit afraid to step out into something new? So yeah, that's what came up for me. You were talking there.
Speaker 2:This is so. Yeah, I wrote this down and, like, underlined it. It's something I think that is also a powerful declaration is so I'll use myself as an example, right, yes, I have been committed to overwhelm and overscheduling and taking on too much. My lived system didn't know how to do this differently, and so the declaration of I don't know, we don't have to, we don't have to have it figured out before we say things like the way I'm functioning and working isn't working. I need something differently. But perhaps in my current competency, I don't know how to shift that, but I want to and I'm open to and I'm whispering this into my microphone the good news story is that I have right, I have learned, but there was a declaration of holy shit, I can't keep going like this.
Speaker 2:I need to learn a new declaration, but it's okay to say I don't currently know how.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's in fact, I think I don't know is one of the most powerful declarations that any of us can make. Certainly a leader can make. Leaders are afraid to make that declaration because, boy, you're supposed to know stuff as a leader. You're supposed to know where we're going and how we're going to get there and all that good stuff. But in fact the leaders that I've worked with that have, I thought, been the most effective were able to say I don't know, let's try, let's go down this path and experiment and see where it takes us. Let's gather data, let's gather our best minds and think this through, because we don't know. But if we don't, what we do know is that what we're doing now isn't working.
Speaker 2:We do know what we're doing now isn't working, and I am recalling calling Amy Edmondson in her new book Feeling Forward around again the declaration that how could we possibly know? Because we've never been in this situation before and so our collective minds and our collective ideas are really needed. All the voices are necessary are really needed. All the voices are necessary, rather than like I should know what to do or I should know how to figure this problem out, the freedom and that, like, oh, my body exhales when I think of saying things like we've never been in this situation before. How could we possibly know what the right move is? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And that frees us up to say things like oh, I know somebody who has been in a similar situation. Maybe we could ask them what happened for them. Yeah, or maybe that we can't find anybody who's been in this situation. So now we really are kind of exploring new territory here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and I believe, especially as our world changes faster and faster and faster and faster, that there will be more and more times where we are absolutely in a new situation uncharted territory and the work that we do collectively together to navigate, declare that and to make it okay. We're going to rely on each other, that level of trust that has been built, that we can navigate this together.
Speaker 1:Which is a far more useful declaration than some kind of New Year's resolution about what you know we're going to do. Yay me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and I know that this is. It can feel silly or trivial and I'm not meaning to make it that way, but you know, even on social media I see, you know, I'm going to read X number of books this year. Oh, okay, and are you going to enjoy them? Are you going to savor them? Are you just blowing past all these books to get at a certain number? So really that, why behind? Why is this important to me? What do I care about reading this many books? Or whatever your declaration is, what's behind it for you?
Speaker 1:Yeah. So the declaration is. It's valuable to think it out and make it just like. We talk about making a clear and complete request that has the information in it that allows the intended performer to actually be able to say, yes, I could do that. Or you know what, I can't do that, but I could do this much of it. The same thing with a declaration. You know how many books am I going to read? Why, for the sake of what, am I going to read all those books? Are they going to be just random books, or are we going to? Am I going to focus on a certain genre or a certain kind of information that I want to gather? And all that kind of stuff? Yeah, makes the declaration more trustworthy. So, in effect, I think what we're talking about, have been talking about all along here, is the art and skill of making a trustworthy declaration Rather than a simple New Year's resolution that has no guts to it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and the plus also is so how am I going to do that? What am I actually going to do every single day that moves me forward in that declaration? Yeah, and we've talked about this a lot in traditional learning and facilitation is people walk away from something with here's the 87 things I need to do differently, and we're not pointing to that in any way. We're saying literally what are the one or two things that you really want to commit to and be clear on why you want to commit to them? And then, how are you building those behaviors into your everyday life? So, whether it's I want to ask one more open-ended question every day, or I started with a habit using James Clear Adam.
Speaker 2:He's got an app to track your habits called Adam, and my declaration was around spaciousness, and so I have chosen to read for five minutes every day. Every morning, it's the first thing I do. I make my cup of coffee and I sit down with a book, not because I'm committed to reading the book or to absorb more knowledge. I'm committed to creating the start of a day that has spaciousness in it, where I'm not jumping out of bed, the feet hit the ground, the devil goes oh shit. She's up, and then I plow through the endless list of to-do things that I have, and then I plow through the endless list of to-do things that I have. This allows me, and again, whether it's five minutes or I read for much longer, it doesn't matter. I'm building the consistency because I'm committed to spaciousness.
Speaker 1:It's beautiful, well put, well, I think this might be a good place to draw this episode to a close. Thank you. This has been a really for me, I think, a to do and when I'm going to do it, and so on, and so this is a reminder to think that through and take care with it so that I do make a trustworthy, ultimately make a trustworthy declaration with it, so that I do make a trustworthy, ultimately make a trustworthy declaration Declaration I can trust, a declaration that people who I'm working with or including in my declaration in some way can also trust and the same with any of you listeners out there, whether you're coaches, coaching leaders or leaders yourselves.
Speaker 1:the power of making a trustworthy declaration is one of the fundamental acts that a leader can make and then, of course, following that declaration, up with action that supports it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love it. I love it. Well, I want to do a little percolation on what I want to continue to focus on and what I'm committed to, and this may be a follow-up conversation where I would love to be able to share my accountability with you.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Thank you, yes, and I'm going to. Thank you, yes, and I'm going to. I have a similar kind of situation where my declaration is to actually have to write and send out to my mailing list a newsletter once a month, and so I. This is a new thing for me and I can talk really well about different stuff, but actually writing it is a new challenge.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, thank you for sharing that with me. Yes, and I'm subscribed, and for our listeners, if you are not subscribed, I get on that train right now because Charles's words will be well worth reading, thank you.
Speaker 1:I appreciate it. I'm very sure I so much appreciate your assessment there, and it may take me a lot more hours than I'm thinking, but I think it's worth it. Anyway, I think so, so thank you for listening. Thank you, ila, for joining me in this conversation. Thank you for those of you listening, for giving us your time and energy, and we look forward to being back in another couple of weeks.
