Can leaders rebuild trust after breaking it?

You've messed up. You know it. Your team knows it. A lot of leaders know that sinking "Oh sh!t" feeling of realizing they've done something to break their team's trust. 

In this episode, we dig into a real story of broken trust: the situation, the impacts, and what ultimately turned things around.

We walk through the moves that reopened honest dialogue and rebuilt psychological safety; from the leader acknowledging their oops without making excuses to co-designing a repair plan with the team. You'll hear practical guidance for leaders to work through a sticky situation: prompts to surface the problem, ways to structure the repair conversation, and tools to prevent repeat breaks.

Above all, this conversation emphasizes the foundation that makes repair possible: care. When people feel considered before decisions are made, they'll give you grace when you stumble and they'll stand with you as you repair.

If you listen and it helps you lead with more courage and care, follow the show, save it, share it, and leave a quick review to help others find us.

We want to thank the team that continues to support us in producing, editing and sharing our work. Jonah Smith for the heartfelt intro music you hear at the beginning of each podcast. We LOVE it. Hillary Rideout for writing descriptions, designing covers and helping us share our work on social media. Chad Penner for his superpower editing work to take our recordings from bumpy and glitchy to smooth and easy to listen to episodes for you to enjoy. From our hearts, we are so thankful for this team and the support they provide us.

Transcript

Back From A Long Break

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Oh, there we go.

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Okay. All right.

SPEAKER_02 0:05

I are we recording? Yes, we are.

SPEAKER_00 0:08

We are. Yeah, we are.

SPEAKER_02 0:09

Okay, good, good. Good or bad, who knows? We'll find out.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

They're so out of practice. How do we do this again?

SPEAKER_02 0:19

I don't know. Um, we can't rely on our technology because it's uh oh no, I'm gonna I can bl we can blame our technology.

SPEAKER_01 0:28

That's all we'll do. Yeah, it's all about the technology. No human error at all.

SPEAKER_02 0:33

No, no.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

All right.

SPEAKER_02 0:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 0:37

So hello. Oh, that was bad. My voice cracked. I gotta start that over again. I can't go.

SPEAKER_00 0:45

Hello!

unknown 0:46

Hello, hello, hello!

SPEAKER_00 0:47

You're sounding like me. Hello.

SPEAKER_02 0:51

Okay. Hello. My name is Charles Feldman.

The Core Question: Rebuilding Trust

SPEAKER_01 0:55

And my name is Hila Hetker. And we're here for another episode of Trust on Purpose.

SPEAKER_02 1:02

In fact, it's the first episode from a rather long break. And so we're really glad to be back, and we hope you are glad to see us. Today we're going to talk about a question that actually came up on a poll we took of LinkedIn followers. And we asked for some different questions, and this one kind of rose to the top for today, anyway. And that is how do leaders rebuild trust after they've made a perhaps somewhat significant error or mistake? And we want to be clear that leaders are human and we make mistakes all the time. Some are small and some are big. And if you make a lot of small ones, it can damage trust. If you make one big one, it can damage trust. So the question really is how do you rebuild? But we're going to look at specifically making one uh one rather large um error, mistake. Uh, how do you come back from that? Uh, with your team, with your superiors, with uh your colleagues. So uh do you want to say anything before I jump into our example?

SPEAKER_01 2:22

No, dive in because I'm already like, I can't wait to dive into this one. It's a good topic.

SPEAKER_02 2:27

Some years ago, a couple of years ago, actually more than a couple of years ago, I worked with a leader who um had um apparently more than once uh made commitments to customers or to internal stakeholders within the company on behalf of his team, that given all the other things that they were doing, they were unable to fulfill. And um so needless to say, the um Brown stuff hit the fan and at some point, and sorry. I uh yeah, let's just call it what it is. Um the shit hit the fan. The shit hit the fan at some point, and um he was you know, kind of his people were going, wait, stop. You know, well, first of all, the customers were upset because they weren't getting what was promised them. Um the internal stakeholders were or customers were upset because they weren't getting so this happened a few times, and he went back to his team and basically kind of put it on them as you know, you why can't you do this? What's the matter? You know, you you need to just work harder, you need to do better. And that really damaged trust. It was already somewhat damaged because they he didn't consult them, he didn't ask them at all what their schedules were or whether they thought it was even remotely possible to do these, you know, keep these commitments that he made. And now he's blaming them for being unable to do it. So it really caught it put him in a bad place. Um, and so there was a process, a little bit of a process of helping him really kind of come to the point where he could hear his team and what they were saying and why they had lost trust in him. So what do you want, where do you want to go with this? What are you thinking?

Team Fallout And Avoidance

SPEAKER_01 4:28

Well, I mean, just even as you're telling the story and the initial response back to his team about we guys just have to work harder. I won't put up the double fingers, but let me tell you, that was a that was a full body screw you. How dare you attack my competency, my reliability, my sincerity, and my care. Like that was an immediate full body, how dare you? How dare you? And so even then, I would probably have to walk away. Let that simmer down before there is any chance of a conversation or any awareness building at all. But I think as an initial realization of how that even that language, never mind the decision, but then that language impacted his team. That's devastating. Absolutely devastating. Especially because I believe most of our lovely humans in this world wake up and want to do a good job. Not many of us are waking up going, hey, I'd really like to shit the bed today. Really like to be mediocre. Right. And so that initial even landing of those words, I had to have to sit with that for a minute. That really, really strikes me.

SPEAKER_02 6:05

Yeah. And his team, they had varying responses. Some of them had kind of like a couple of them had your level of response. Other people said, well, you know, he's he's under a lot of pressure and and sometimes he just doesn't think, sort of excusing him. Um and uh, you know, but sort of the whole range between those two. Um but what we ultimately did is the important part, which is that um I helped him first of all begin to recognize that this was probably a bigger issue than he recognized or was giving it credit to be. He was kind of he was kind of minimizing it. And that was one of his uh yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 6:53

Yeah, so can can I ask there? So when the initial shit hit the fan, and then he relayed that message to his team, at what point did he start to realize this was a bigger oh shit than he thought it was? Tell us a little bit about that part.

Naming The Distrust

Listening-Only Meeting Setup

SPEAKER_02 7:10

Yeah, I'm trying to remember actually, it's been a while. Um, I think what happened was that this got he he was having some issues with some of his team members, not really uh really working with him, you know. They were just kind of trying to avoid him. And he was understand, yeah, right. No kidding. You don't when you really distrust somebody, even if it's your leader, do you kind of want to stay away from him? Neurophysiologically, your body is saying, I don't want to be in the presence of this person that I don't trust. It makes me very uncomfortable. So there were some of his team that were outright avoiding him, other people who were would, you know, meet with him, talk with him, but wouldn't say much. So he's getting kind of he was getting kind of concerned. And I was coaching him at this time, so he brought it up. And he didn't understand quite what was going on. I mean, but uh uh it was important that he brought it up. Um if he hadn't, then nothing would have changed. But he did bring it up as a concern that he had in one of our sessions, and he says, Well, let's let's talk a little more about what's going on. What do you what do you think is going on? He said, I don't know, I don't know, I have no idea. But to me, because I'd been working with trust issues for a while, I heard distrust, distrust, distrust, you know, that was uh blaring loudly out of his in out of his mouth to me. And so I said, Well, I said, maybe they are showing signs to me, they're showing signs that they don't trust you. Maybe that's the case. What? How can that be? What have I done? Well, would you like to find out? And so we decided that we would hold a you know, hold a series of of meetings about it with his team that I would facilitate. Um, it turned out to be actually just two because in the first meeting, and I I talked with the team members individually beforehand and kind of prepped them, that you know, he wants to talk to you, and he I think he genuinely genuinely wants to understand what's going on. And in the first meeting, I strongly recommended that he not say much of anything, just listen, which was really hard for him. Oh yeah, he was, you know, most of the time he was stuck on transmit. I mean, that's what got him in the problem in the first place. Is he, you know, he wanted to make these commitments, and uh he just thought that it was okay, you know, his team would figure it out. Yeah, and um so that was part of the problem. And then when they didn't figure it out, um, and therefore didn't deliver, he got upset. So I told him you gotta just like zip it. Listen, listen, listen, listen. There will be a time for you to talk, but listen, listen, listen. And they, you know, at first they were pretty shy, pretty timid about talking, speaking up about what was going on.

SPEAKER_01 10:30

Well, and of course, that's I think a very natural given the situation that happened. And is it really safe for me to say what I want to say? Will he actually listen? And if he listens, will he actually take it in or will it be dismissed? Right. So all of this is also going on in this in these dynamics.

Team Voices Their Experience

SPEAKER_02 10:57

Right. So I had done a little prep with the team first, as I said, I talked to each of them and I said, you know, this is not going to change if you're not willing to speak up. Um, and I'll be there to facilitate, and I will, and I told them I will tell him that he really needs to listen. And so we'll see where it goes. And at first, you know, like I said, they were kind of shy, but then a couple people, not the fire breathers who were in, you know, kind of like where you were. That would have probably been a you know a different, whole different meaning, but uh a couple of the people kind of more in the middle, not the the excusers either, uh, but a couple people kind of in the middle said, Well, here's what here's what I'm concerned about. And I did say, please, you know, speak first person also, not you know what we're concerned about. Sound like they all colluded with each other to gang up on. So here's what you know, here's what I'm concerned about. And um, the first couple of people that spoke articulated the situation pretty well. Um, and I can make can I make a point there?

SPEAKER_01 12:07

Because I think preparing them for the conversation, letting them know what the conversation was going to be about, and so that they had time to actually think about, maybe make some notes, be really clear about the points that they wanted to get across, that was really important too.

SPEAKER_03 12:29

Critical step, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:31

Yeah. I think if that hadn't, if I if that hadn't happened, it would have been again a different conversation, kind of conversation. Um so then other of the team members, well, and it to his credit, this leader, after listening to the first couple of people, said, Okay, I want to hear from the rest of you.

SPEAKER_01 12:54

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:56

Which shifted the mood in the room. That really changed things, as you can imagine, because at that moment he's saying he's making himself really vulnerable and open. Um, so other people chimed in, and um, it you know, the whole thing came out that look, we you know, you made these commitments. They basically said, here's our complaint. You made commitments without consulting us. Um, they were given all the other things that you've got us doing, it was just not possible. Um, we needed your help to make decisions about you know prior priorities, but you weren't ever available, you were always offgoing this and that. And then when you, you know, we the problem came up that we hadn't fulfilled the commitments and you basically blamed us and told us we needed to work harder. That really that that was really painful. That was really kind of hurt. Yeah. Um, but that's that's the general, I mean, different people said it different ways, but that's what ultimately came out. And he did, to his credit, also listen a couple of times. He asked some clarifying questions, a couple of times he started to defend himself, and then um, I think I just kind of gave him a sideways look, and he, you know, he stopped to again to his credit. Good for him, and he stopped.

SPEAKER_01 14:24

Good for him, good for him.

Acknowledgment And Apology

SPEAKER_02 14:27

Um, and so they managed to get through that, and he by the end of that session, he said, Yeah, okay, I get it. I get what happened here, and um, I want to so this is now we come to the leader who made the mistake, right? This is what he was doing. He said, All right, I acknowledge that was not it was not a helpful thing to do, it was not a good thing to do. Um, that was not good leadership, and uh he apologized for it, and he said, I need to rethink how I do all of this. And that at that point, we were kind of at the end of that time that we'd set. Yeah, yeah. People had other things to do, and we had another meeting set up for like three days later or something like that. So, in the the second meeting, I suggested to the this leader that he come back with a plan for what he was gonna do that would be different, you know, that he thought would help. Yeah, yeah. Which he did, and he started, he opened with that, but then he said, again, to his credit, you know, I suggested it, but he actually did it. He said, But I'd like to hear from you. What what what would really work for you? What would build trust for you?

SPEAKER_01 15:48

Yeah. And I I I'm so glad that you I'm so glad that that part was added. Because it's great. He can come up with all the great ideas and plans that he wants to, but it's not about him.

unknown 16:02

Right.

SPEAKER_01 16:03

Right. And so that really critical question and that conversation about I have ideas, but I'm gonna put them aside because I want to hear from you. How can I, how can you help me set you up for success?

Co-Creating A Repair Plan

SPEAKER_02 16:22

Yeah. What do you mean? Luckily, he did he did start with his ideas, but he said, then he stopped and said, Up, but you know, uh really, this is the concern is yours. You're the ones who have said you don't trust me. And I want to repair that. And so I need to hear from you what's going to build trust with you. And that opened it up for them to, and it was good actually, because they did take a couple of his ideas, but then they also added a couple more and tweaked one of his, or a couple of his probably, and you know, um, so by the end of that second session, he was they had kind of they had not kind of, he had made a commitment to do some specific things that they had asked him to do, made and made a clear request. Essentially, it had become a clear request. Um, and then he um made a commitment based on that request, and they moved forward from there.

SPEAKER_01 17:23

And I say this just a little whisper of a couple of leaders that I had coached um last year, and it was really interesting. They weren't about big mistakes, but these leaders were realizing that they needed to do something differently, that the way they were conducting their one-on-ones, or holding team meetings, or having these conversations wasn't working. And so they put this burden on themselves, I have to figure it out. Which actually, no, you don't. That's a big burden to hold. And why would you not embrace the collective wisdom of the group? How do we do this together? How do we design this together using all of our ideas? Right? And and really being intentional about setting each other up for success.

unknown 18:26

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

And that was such a big, it's a huge aha for these couple of leaders last year. The realization is like, oh, oh, just because I'm the leader doesn't mean that I have to have it all figured out.

SPEAKER_02 18:40

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:41

I don't have to have all the answers.

You Don’t Need All The Answers

SPEAKER_02 18:44

And that's, I think, especially important if you're trying to rebuild trust after making it a big mistake. Yes, you have to, you you have to show commitment to doing something different, to changing. You have to acknowledge what you did. You have to apologize, apologize for what you did, which means you know, owning it and and saying, I, you know, I'm really sorry for the the harm that this has caused. And then, okay, now I'm now that that moment comes when here's what want to, here's what I want to do going forward, but it's not just me, it's you. Um and in fact.

SPEAKER_01 19:21

It's us.

SPEAKER_02 19:22

It's us, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:23

It's us. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

And I'm I love this example and I love walking through it. And thank goodness that you're already working with that leader. We know many, many incredible leaders that are out there trying to figure this out on their own. And so what would we say to someone who isn't working with a coach or maybe is bumping into this for the first time? And they realize they've made an o shit. It doesn't have to be a Mach 10, but maybe it's something where they go, oh, I see something and I need to do something differently. And I think as I say that out loud, that that initial awareness is the first step. And not jumping right to defend and you know, push it away. We're just gonna ignore it, but actually acknowledging I I think I've made a mistake.

Practical Steps For First-Timers

SPEAKER_02 20:30

See, and that's the that's the that's the right place because it's not I've made a mistake and I know what it is, and and therefore I'm just gonna go fix it. And I'll tell you what I'm gonna do to fix it. But rather, I think I've made a mistake here. Am I right? Is yeah, is there a problem? Um, are have you lost trust in me? And if so, please tell me why. Please tell me. Yeah, what have I what have I done or am doing that's causing that to happen for you? Um, and then from there build, you know, okay, I get it. I see. If you do, if you don't, then you gotta ask more questions. Um but if you do see what's going on, see understand the that these were the things that you did that caused distrust, um, then you can begin to have the question, you know, have the conversation about, okay, well, first, um, acknowledge, apologize, um, and then begin to figure out what needs to change with the other people.

SPEAKER_01 21:37

I would say maybe another another possibility is that if you have a trusted work colleague or you have strong trust with your leader or a peer or even your spouse or a good friend to say, can I talk this through with you? I think I've made an error. Can you just be a sounding board? And when you do solve, just let me talk this through so I can hear my thought process. Beautiful gift that we can give each other.

SPEAKER_02 22:14

That's true. Absolutely. And for the part the person who's been asked to listen, they really do need to mostly just listen. Yeah. It isn't, you know, there's give some feedback about what you're observing about the other person, but not, oh, here's here's the solution to your problem. Because nine times out of ten, it won't be the right solution.

SPEAKER_00 22:38

That's right. That's right. That's right. Right.

SPEAKER_02 22:40

But but more importantly, the person isn't looking for a solution then.

SPEAKER_01 22:44

Right. I'm looking for a sounding board. I just need you to listen. There's so much value. And I think going back to the leader that you were working with, he was able to voice out loud in a safe place with you. And that is so valuable to be able to hear our own thoughts out loud.

unknown 23:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:09

In a trusted space, where we're not being shamed or blamed or judged, finger-wagged or told what to do. Rather, I can just start to speak these things out loud in a safe place so that I can start to understand.

Find A Sounding Board

SPEAKER_02 23:27

Which is fundamentally what the value of one of the main values of coaching. Right. That you have someone who will be that person who can listen, who can reflect back, who can um ask questions that open up new possibilities or ways of thinking. So yeah, um that I that's that's why I love being a coach because I think I do that fairly well, and I know you do too. So um so if but if you don't have access to a coach, find someone else. And sometimes it's an HR person, sometimes the HR people are trained in that um and can help a lot. Uh so yes, finding someone who can be a thought, a listener, a sounding sounding board for your thinking and kind of reflect back to you what they're hearing.

SPEAKER_01 24:27

And I, you know, I think the other thing that I we haven't said explicitly, but I it's really easy to defend. When we've done something, when there's been a mistake or a slip-up. It's really easy to just, no no, point the fingers. Didn't happen. It's no big deal. It takes courage to pause and dig in. It takes courage to do that, to look at ourselves in the mirror, to remember that we're not perfect, we're not supposed to be, and then to have those courageous conversations because we care, because we truly care about the people that we lead and we work with.

unknown 25:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:18

And I think that's one of the things that um this particular story and and many others that I could tell um is so encouraging, is this particular individual, this leader, did care.

SPEAKER_00 25:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:38

Um, it didn't seem like it to his team in the heat of those moments. Um, but he did care and he wanted to figure it out. He wanted to make it make it better. Not just for him, but for them.

Courage, Care, And Follow-Through

SPEAKER_01 25:58

For them. And I know we've had in many of our other episodes, we've talked about the importance of care. But I think sometimes in our busy world, and there's an oh shit moment, care is the one that can slip to the bottom. Because we don't have time for it, we don't know how to display it. You know, that's a nice to have. But we know foundationally it's the most important. Coming from that place of care. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:30

And imagine how this whole situation would have been different if the first time they, the team, you know, he went to the team and said, you know, you're missing the deadlines here, and they they started to talk about what the problem was from their perspective. He had said, Let me listen, which is a a move demonstrating care, but you know, actually a move that comes out of care. Um, in that moment, he fell back into self-defending. And that was unfortunate, but I think also he learned a hack a plot.

SPEAKER_01 27:10

Uh I'm waving at my sisters. Hello, sisters! They're now there live on the podcast. I have two sisters peeking in my office window.

Closing Reflections And Milestone

SPEAKER_02 27:22

The sisters of mercy or uh my sisters, my oldest sisters, the sisters of uh ridiculousness. Ah, okay, that's that's great. All right. Anyway, so is there more that we want to say here, or is this kind of a good ending point for this particular episode?

SPEAKER_01 27:45

I think we've covered a lot. I think we've dug into some really important behaviors, awareness, making requests, deep listening, courage, care, all of these things in our human form. And at the bottom of not the bottom of the day, the end of the day. We're all gonna mess up. How about we embrace each other, hold each other, care about each other, and figure it out together.

SPEAKER_02 28:25

Yeah, thank you, Ela. That's a I think that's a great piece to end it with because that's that will really move us all forward.

SPEAKER_01 28:35

That's what it's all about. Yeah. That's what it's all about. Yeah. Oh, it's so good to record another episode.

SPEAKER_02 28:43

Okay, so let's turn off the recording now.

SPEAKER_01 28:46

Oh, I was gonna say it's so good to record another episode, and one more to one hundred.

SPEAKER_02 28:53

Oh, that's right. This is our 99th episode.

SPEAKER_01 28:56

This is our 99th episode.

SPEAKER_02 28:58

Wow, okay, we did it. We did it. Okay.